Joke Number 6

This one turned up in my e-mail inbox this morning.

“This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking  on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm  was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door…. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly.  John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.  Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.  John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.  Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.  They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other….  

“Look Paddy…. there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!”

Joke Number 5

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

“Why do you buy them then?” he asks, puzzled.

The old lady answers, “We just love the chocolate around them!”

Joke Number 4

This one turned up in my e-mail inbox this morning, courtesy of a work colleague.  It’s a reverse “blonde” joke – kind of “blondes fight back” :-). Enjoy!

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.  A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans.

Joke Number 3

This one surfaced in my e-mail inbox today, forwarded from someone who forwarded it from someone who forwarded it… well, you get the idea 😛
Thanks go to the unknown contributor.

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being  uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.  Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

Joke Number 2

I received this one from a client.  It’s another “Blonde” joke, which I normally wouldn’t post (my wife is blonde, and dispels the “dumb blonde” myth, although she does sometimes use the myth to her advantage, like the time she got the better of a used car salesman about 6 months ago and got a fantastic deal on a replacement for a troublesome Peugeot).

Blonde Parks Car In Snow

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary, Canada. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today.  You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through.”  Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says “We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today.  You must park……….. ” then the electric power goes out.  Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.  Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman smiles and says in a gentle tone, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”